Did you miss me??
Okay.... so my last post was over 4 years ago!!! I have ocassionaly gotten the odd email or Facebook post saying “you haven’t blogged”, or that “this many people have visited your page this month” and I always thing that I should blog again. The main reason I haven’t is because I think that no one really reads it OR that I am using this as a place to vent and I just assume people will read it and just think I’m being a drama queen.
Well I obviously have decided to blog again! So here goes!!!
This post is going to be very erratic and up/down in mood....
Firstly I started blogging when I was 23 years old, and I am turning 31 this year. Let me tell you, I don’t feel like I am an adult... I feel like I should be doing things differently or something. But anyways...
In my first blog I mentioned that I was against gay marriage because it’s meant to be for televisual protection and such... but also that I was just telling myself that because I was perfecting myself because as a gay man I was not going to be able to marry another man... WELL... 7 years on and gay marriage is Legal!!!! SO this being said, I am in the process of planning a wedding (to Tristan! We celebrated 9 years together this August) with my best friend Renée B taking on the part of my Best Woman at the wedding.
So theatre is still my whole life. When I blogged last I had just started doing a youth production of “The Wizard of Oz”.... well I now work with the performing arts school that produced the show. This is both good and bad... I KNOW this will somehow get back to them BUT in a way that’s good as I haven’t got the balls to bring this up in person so maybe my blog will force some conversations to happen.
Anyway... before the negatives let’s talk about the positives!!!
THEATRE!!!! I am still very active. Currently I am Musical Director for “Jesus Christ Superstar” and “Rent”. Both shows I’ve done before (Rent 7th time) and I’m thrilled to be doing them again. Rent is PHENOMINAL! Tristan is playing Collins and is BREAKING HEARTS! He has come so far in his performing, to say I’m proud is the biggest understatement!
I have some shows on the horizon coming up which are going to be a lot of fun. I’m excited for them (most of them anyway haha)
So back to the negative... mental health is absolutely fucked and I am DONE!!!! It’s really hit home today reading over my previous blogs just how long I’ve been unhappy and depressed for. I don’t know what to do. I have been to COUNTLESS doctors and professionals and whatnot and NOTHING! I have a new days or maybe a few weeks where I think “awesome I’m getting help and things are looking up” but then the placebo wears off.
People are still telling me that I’m just to busy, I just need to do less and quit jobs or shows or whatever.... the thing I’m really noticing with people saying this though... is they are ALL saying “you should quit that job and only do what I want you to do”... obviously not in those words BUT that is the message I’m getting... people are so fucking selfish!!!! And I am far to easily influences and lead down paths that I actually don’t want.
I am also getting fucking SICK AND TIRED of “tough love” and no sympathy... at first it was warranted and sometimes funny. Now I just find in rude and disrespectful.
I have a person in my life that for some reason I allow to have WAY ato much power over me. Just when I think I’ve broken the chains... I’m dragged back kicking and screaming.
I am a VERY talented and resourceful and skilled person. And I really feel like I am being taken advantage of. I’m forever being told not to undervalue myself and to not let people walk over me and take advantage of me... one of the main people who says this to me is one of the main culprits... BUT being told “if we could afford to pay you more we would”... so then surely the work load should drop to match what I am being paid?
For freelance work I charge up to $70 to $80 an hour. I put so much work into things in my own personal time YET they are NOT counted to my “paid hours”
I am given roles and responsibilities that I simply do NOT want. And if I express any of this I’m either given “tough love”, outright yelled at OR emotionally manipulated and generally talked around in circles till I am confused and have no choice but to smile and nod and do what I’m told... I should feel like I can talk to a person and not be scared on a reaction. Not be worried what people will say or think. I just feel so flipping trapped and lost to any solutions.
Anyways. Kinda feels good to get that off my chest... also terrified to post this cuz.... the trouble I’d be in if the people read it. But hey, could start a much needed dialogue.
Till next time bloggers!!!!
Well I obviously have decided to blog again! So here goes!!!
This post is going to be very erratic and up/down in mood....
Firstly I started blogging when I was 23 years old, and I am turning 31 this year. Let me tell you, I don’t feel like I am an adult... I feel like I should be doing things differently or something. But anyways...
In my first blog I mentioned that I was against gay marriage because it’s meant to be for televisual protection and such... but also that I was just telling myself that because I was perfecting myself because as a gay man I was not going to be able to marry another man... WELL... 7 years on and gay marriage is Legal!!!! SO this being said, I am in the process of planning a wedding (to Tristan! We celebrated 9 years together this August) with my best friend Renée B taking on the part of my Best Woman at the wedding.
So theatre is still my whole life. When I blogged last I had just started doing a youth production of “The Wizard of Oz”.... well I now work with the performing arts school that produced the show. This is both good and bad... I KNOW this will somehow get back to them BUT in a way that’s good as I haven’t got the balls to bring this up in person so maybe my blog will force some conversations to happen.
Anyway... before the negatives let’s talk about the positives!!!
THEATRE!!!! I am still very active. Currently I am Musical Director for “Jesus Christ Superstar” and “Rent”. Both shows I’ve done before (Rent 7th time) and I’m thrilled to be doing them again. Rent is PHENOMINAL! Tristan is playing Collins and is BREAKING HEARTS! He has come so far in his performing, to say I’m proud is the biggest understatement!
I have some shows on the horizon coming up which are going to be a lot of fun. I’m excited for them (most of them anyway haha)
So back to the negative... mental health is absolutely fucked and I am DONE!!!! It’s really hit home today reading over my previous blogs just how long I’ve been unhappy and depressed for. I don’t know what to do. I have been to COUNTLESS doctors and professionals and whatnot and NOTHING! I have a new days or maybe a few weeks where I think “awesome I’m getting help and things are looking up” but then the placebo wears off.
People are still telling me that I’m just to busy, I just need to do less and quit jobs or shows or whatever.... the thing I’m really noticing with people saying this though... is they are ALL saying “you should quit that job and only do what I want you to do”... obviously not in those words BUT that is the message I’m getting... people are so fucking selfish!!!! And I am far to easily influences and lead down paths that I actually don’t want.
I am also getting fucking SICK AND TIRED of “tough love” and no sympathy... at first it was warranted and sometimes funny. Now I just find in rude and disrespectful.
I have a person in my life that for some reason I allow to have WAY ato much power over me. Just when I think I’ve broken the chains... I’m dragged back kicking and screaming.
I am a VERY talented and resourceful and skilled person. And I really feel like I am being taken advantage of. I’m forever being told not to undervalue myself and to not let people walk over me and take advantage of me... one of the main people who says this to me is one of the main culprits... BUT being told “if we could afford to pay you more we would”... so then surely the work load should drop to match what I am being paid?
For freelance work I charge up to $70 to $80 an hour. I put so much work into things in my own personal time YET they are NOT counted to my “paid hours”
I am given roles and responsibilities that I simply do NOT want. And if I express any of this I’m either given “tough love”, outright yelled at OR emotionally manipulated and generally talked around in circles till I am confused and have no choice but to smile and nod and do what I’m told... I should feel like I can talk to a person and not be scared on a reaction. Not be worried what people will say or think. I just feel so flipping trapped and lost to any solutions.
Anyways. Kinda feels good to get that off my chest... also terrified to post this cuz.... the trouble I’d be in if the people read it. But hey, could start a much needed dialogue.
Till next time bloggers!!!!
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