Friday, 1 November 2013

Bitten off more than I can chew??

So... Suprise Suprise I am once again blogging at some ungodly hour! Can't sleep and not at all tired...

Had rehearsals today for "Jesus Christ Superstar" now while I am normally a VERY easy production team member to work with. Today just had me at the end of my teather. It was just a flat rehearsal, people's heads were just not there tonight. I know I shouldn't be worried about it and I need to listen to my own advice that I have told others tonight... Which is that every show has a shit rehearsal where nothing seems to go right, which is very true. And tonight was it for this production. Tuesday just gone was very good and while it had its rough moments... On the whole was a very good rehearsal. Tonight fell over and I was getting very frustrated and begun to loose patience with my cast which I've not done before. I think it is because I'm feeling VERY inadequate with this show. It's not as simple as I thought. While I can teach it all and the compound and irregular timesignatures are not anything new to me... I have NO idea how to conduct some of the songs... There are bits in 5/8... HOW DO I CONDUCT THAT?? And 7/8, and 7/4 and 5/4 (the 7-4 and 5/4 don't actually pose as much issues) but it's doing my head in... Along with the fact that I'm not the best pianist in the game. While I can play this score... When it comes to the fucked time signatures it's really hard for me to play, conduct and cue the cast and band. I just don't know how this one is going to all just fit together in the end. I also think that the cast and band are always judging me... It's stupid and I'm sure they aren't BUT even though rationally I know this it does not stop my mind going there. I just want the show to be good. I want to have my confidence back! I know my shit!!! If I ever came against something that I didn't know I used to just ask someone who would. But now I'm just always second guessing myself. I don't know why!! I have had people tell me that "friends" talk and bag me out behind my back. A girl that I helped compile music for her show has apparently said "Ben does a heap of shows but doesn't do any of them well"...  Like... WTF!!! My first two shows that I Musically directed in Melbourne were amazing! And were award winning and rave reviews etc... The rest I've had people compliment and stuff but I just don't have confidence in my abilities. I don't know what it is... 

I care to much about what other people think. I'm always trying to make sure everyone else is happy... I'm sacrificing quality because I'm making choices that in the end make people happy and keep the peace rather than what I think is right or needs to be done!

I really just need a win. It would be amazing if I had a mentor or someone that sees something in me and says "kids got potential and passion, let's give him a shot" 

Seriously I would be happy to be an assistant and to sit back, take notes and LEARN but I don't see that happening. 

This is all really just the straw that broke the camels back. I'm crumbling fast and don't see it stoping. Really no end in sight.

Why can't ... I don't even know what I want, I give up! Just need to finish this shit off and stop trying. No one would be disappointed then. I won't be letting anyone down. Just go into hibernation and go through day by day doing what ever I need to keep everyone else happy. 

I feel so pathetic writing this stupid blog. I do nothing but bitch... But a)no one reads it anyway so I guess it's okay and b) I need to vent somewhere... Not that it helps... At all...

Saturday, 19 October 2013


So it's been forever since I posted on here. Apologies if I've got any friends or regular readers. I seem to only post here when I'm in the midst of an episode (be it manic or depressive) and today is no different.

I am at the end of my tether. I am completely lost and have NO idea what to do. I'm not coping and haven't been for over a month now. I need help but I don't know who or where to go. I'm also petrified that going to "help" isn't going to actually going to help me. And I really can't cope with drawing this out longer than it needs to be... If I go to a doctor and they can't identify with my problem and give me a program or something that will actually help me I don't know what I'd do. I'm tired of this. I'm just over it. I am always having to put on a happy face and pretend everything is fine because if I don't then I just feel like everyone gets pissed off and angry at me and always make it seem like I am bringing it on myself so I have no right to complain or anything. The second I'm in a slump people who know I've got a mental illness just dismiss me and tell me that I need to go get professional help. Those who don't know get angry at me because I dare to think about my problems for once rather than listen to everyone else's problems which are fucking trivial!!!

I am loosing control and genuinely concerned that I'm going to do something stupid. I'm entertaining thoughts that I've never done before. I've never been as bad that I've not been able to push stupid thoughts out of my head. I'm lost. And as evident in this blog I'm stuck in a loop! I am so fucking dizzy from going around in circles. 

I have no choice but to just push everything I'm feeling aside though because once got that much to deal with that if I'm not able to fix or help everyone else they won't cope.

I'm tired of it. I need help but don't know where to go! I need it to stop. I want to go back to being the 'happy go lucky' guy everyone knows me to be...

Believe me you have NO bloody idea how much I would love to be me again. I've not been myself for a long time. I'm absolutely exhausted from pretending I'm okay, pretending nothing is wrong, saying I'm okay so I can help other people with their problems.


I can't go to my "safe people" because one of them in now living in another country, my sister doesn't know how to help me outside of just listening to me. Which believe me she is happy to do and I appreciate it but as I said talking is not helping it's just sending me round in circles.

My mum will just tell me I'm to busy and I need to cut back on my theatrical projects but no matter how many times I've told everyone this but theatre is honest to god the only thing keeping me together. It is the ONLY thing keeping me here. 

It is my life. It is ME! And theatre is the only time I get to feel something the resembles myself.

I can't see how people don't understand this... It's been my whole life since I was a kid when I started dancing. So 16 years theatre/live performance has been my life. It's the ONLY CONSISTENT in my life.

... And NOW looking back over this blog I feel like I'm being a fucking drama queen and just dramatizing everything. 

HELP! HOW DO I BREAK THIS CYCLE! I'm stuck in this loop and just want to get off.

I feel that I am at the end of the war, but I'm on the loosing side.

Thursday, 14 March 2013

I'll be your gay friend

Hey all!! How's life??

Mine? Yeah not to bad (Right not anyway) been absolutely flat out busy!! BUT it has been good.

Firstly I gotta say how ashamed of myself I am!!! I have not once mentioned my obsession with "Robbie Williams" he is SEX WITH A MICROPHONE!! Love him (this blog title is a line from his song "Gay friend")... So yeah... ANYWAY

Currently 3am and I am WIDE awake!! I don't know if it is because of the new meds I am taking for the bipolar or what BUT my sleeping pattern has been completely fucked up over the last few weeks. It is absolute ridiculousness.

SO on the Bipolar front... I am continuing to spiral into places that I really would rather not be! In my lucid (Is that the correct term for this??) moments its not to bad, I am able to recognize that I was in a depressive cycle but obviously when I am IN a depressive cycle I am not able to be rational or anything like that... the down's are becoming more frequent and lasting longer than they ever have.

I have been to my doc and he won't up the lithium as the lithium serum levels in my blood are to high so he has added another drug to take with the lithium and were gonna see how that is after 3 weeks (at the end of week one now)

To make matters worse I find out that my mother thinks that I am full of shit. I am not sure exactly how/what/who she thinks but she has been messaging my boyfriend and I was reading the conversation the other day (he knew... I wasn't snooping) and she was commenting on how my doc just gave me what I wanted and I am using it as an excuse or something, basically... the way I understand it she thinks I am over acting and making up bullshit. How am I meant to feel when my own mother is talking like that about me behind my back?? DON'T GET ME WRONG... If I am reading into it to much or if I misunderstood the conversation then I will happily eat my words BUT I do get the feeling that she does think that way.

I really do hate myself a lot at the moment. I should be over the moon... I mean I am able to do what I love at the moment, I am Musical Director for 4 musicals at the moment and LOVING it.... BUT at the same time I am constantly feeling that I am not good enough... then when I am "lucid" (Again... correct word??) I kick my self because I think that I am trying to hard to make everyone like me. It is a stupid constant battle!!!

I have some amazing friends but I always think that they don't really like me or that I am annoying them.

There ARE some people at the moment that I thought were my friends but they don't talk to me unless they want something from me (generally music or something along those lines) they have events and parties or go out and I don't hear anything about it.

I had a friend go out for a night on the town with a few of my other friends and she posted pic's on facebook of the fun night and messaged me the next day and asked me to email her the sheet music to a song she wants to use for an audition... You'll think of me when you want music BUT you wont think to sms and say "Hey, heading out with the gang.. you in??" REALLY!?!?


Something that is REALLY upsetting me at the moment... I am REALLY wanting to write a musical, I have an idea and my sister is helping me write the book. I want to start on the score but I just can't compose anything that I am happy with. DRIVING ME BONKERS!!!!!! I am hoping once I actually get a written plot/character outline from my sister that will help me develop the ideas I have.

Watching an interview with Tim Minchin on "Matilda" and he was saying that the characters/story inspired the lyrics and the lyrics inspired the music so I am thinking I should try that process rather than trying to get the music first or music and lyrics at the same time.... I HOPE SO!!!!

Anyways... Not that I am going to go to sleep BUT I am going to stop ranting about nothing as I'm sure if you have gotten this far you are sick of it...

Anyways please feel free to email me if you would like to chat about anything or comment (If i have a comment box... NOT SURE)... Even though I'm fairly sure I only have a few people who read/follow this blog...

Keep it real peeps and until next time STAY SAFE!!!!


Saturday, 12 January 2013

Over It

Bleh!!! Seriously not coping at all!!

This week has started off great. I had my niece, nephew and sister over for three days, went to Lunar park, movies and wave pool. We all had a blast but even while they were here... Whilst I had a great time and loved having them down instill wasn't really all here mentally. Now they have gone back home and I am without distraction I am crashing and fast.

Doesn't help that I have been receiving kick after kick in the nuts of late.

Firstly one of the shows I'm involved in are really doing my head in. We are about to start rehearsals and I have not gotten my scores. I have no rehearsal pianist and I just really not feeling it for the show. The only reason I am sticking at it is that a previous "friend" did some major damage to my rep as a musical director (although not as extensive as I first thought) and I don't want to tarnish my name by quitting the show. AND I do NOT want to leave my fellow production team as I have become really close friends with them throughout the short time we have spent producing the show and I don't want to ditch them.

The second show which I am assistant for is also doing my head in. The Musical Director for it has fallen pregnant (MAJORLY EXCITED FOR HER!) but she is due when the show is on so has decided it would be best to withdraw. I completely understand her decision but it sucks as I was really keen to work and learn from her. Anyways!! As such the committee have informed us that they will be opening up the position for MD... Now this is a kick in the balls for me as the only reason I didn't apply for MD was because it was already appointed and the ONLY reason I applied to AMD was to work with the MD. Because it is a show I am majorly obsessed with I want to be involved in any way possible but would rather be a cast member, MD or Director. They are concerned about my availability in the early stages which is shit BUT understandable. But I personally feel that with planning and collaboration with fellow prod team members that a rehearsal schedule would be easily devised that would work around that.

I really just sick and tired of shit. I had the opportunity to Musically Direct two other shows that I had to turn down due to accepting the assistant position that is now potentially not happening.

I really just want to give up on everything . I am not coping with my bipolar and trying to sort out all this shit is just really pushing me further and further away from what I feel is a safe/stable place that I WAS in. I want to go to the doctors and get help but I am petrified that either I will be dismissed with other drugs and told to come back in 4 to 8 weeks OR I will be locked up or something!! I am lost and don't know what to do but at the same time I don't care... I don't want to give up on everything but am becoming closer and closer to that point!!!!