Ben's Bouncing Brain

So... Suprise Suprise I am once again blogging at some ungodly hour! Can't sleep and not at all tired... Had rehearsals today for "Jesus Christ Superstar" now while I am normally a VERY easy production team member to work with. Today just had me at the end of my teather. It was just a flat rehearsal, people's heads were just not there tonight. I know I shouldn't be worried about it and I need to listen to my own advice that I have told others tonight... Which is that every show has a shit rehearsal where nothing seems to go right, which is very true. And tonight was it for this production. Tuesday just gone was very good and while it had its rough moments... On the whole was a very good rehearsal. Tonight fell over and I was getting very frustrated and begun to loose patience with my cast which I've not done before. I think it is because I'm feeling VERY inadequate with this show. It's not as simple as I thought. While I can teach it all and the compou

So it's been forever since I posted on here. Apologies if I've got any friends or regular readers. I seem to only post here when I'm in the midst of an episode (be it manic or depressive) and today is no different. I am at the end of my tether. I am completely lost and have NO idea what to do. I'm not coping and haven't been for over a month now. I need help but I don't know who or where to go. I'm also petrified that going to "help" isn't going to actually going to help me. And I really can't cope with drawing this out longer than it needs to be... If I go to a doctor and they can't identify with my problem and give me a program or something that will actually help me I don't know what I'd do. I'm tired of this. I'm just over it. I am always having to put on a happy face and pretend everything is fine because if I don't then I just feel like everyone gets pissed off and angry at me and always make it seem like I am

Hey all!! How's life?? Mine? Yeah not to bad (Right not anyway) been absolutely flat out busy!! BUT it has been good. Firstly I gotta say how ashamed of myself I am!!! I have not once mentioned my obsession with "Robbie Williams" he is SEX WITH A MICROPHONE!! Love him (this blog title is a line from his song "Gay friend")... So yeah... ANYWAY Currently 3am and I am WIDE awake!! I don't know if it is because of the new meds I am taking for the bipolar or what BUT my sleeping pattern has been completely fucked up over the last few weeks. It is absolute ridiculousness. SO on the Bipolar front... I am continuing to spiral into places that I really would rather not be! In my lucid (Is that the correct term for this??) moments its not to bad, I am able to recognize that I was in a depressive cycle but obviously when I am IN a depressive cycle I am not able to be rational or anything like that... the down's are becoming more frequent and lasting longer

Bleh!!! Seriously not coping at all!! This week has started off great. I had my niece, nephew and sister over for three days, went to Lunar park, movies and wave pool. We all had a blast but even while they were here... Whilst I had a great time and loved having them down instill wasn't really all here mentally. Now they have gone back home and I am without distraction I am crashing and fast. Doesn't help that I have been receiving kick after kick in the nuts of late. Firstly one of the shows I'm involved in are really doing my head in. We are about to start rehearsals and I have not gotten my scores. I have no rehearsal pianist and I just really not feeling it for the show. The only reason I am sticking at it is that a previous "friend" did some major damage to my rep as a musical director (although not as extensive as I first thought) and I don't want to tarnish my name by quitting the show. AND I do NOT want to leave my fellow production team as I hav