Thursday, 14 March 2013

I'll be your gay friend

Hey all!! How's life??

Mine? Yeah not to bad (Right not anyway) been absolutely flat out busy!! BUT it has been good.

Firstly I gotta say how ashamed of myself I am!!! I have not once mentioned my obsession with "Robbie Williams" he is SEX WITH A MICROPHONE!! Love him (this blog title is a line from his song "Gay friend")... So yeah... ANYWAY

Currently 3am and I am WIDE awake!! I don't know if it is because of the new meds I am taking for the bipolar or what BUT my sleeping pattern has been completely fucked up over the last few weeks. It is absolute ridiculousness.

SO on the Bipolar front... I am continuing to spiral into places that I really would rather not be! In my lucid (Is that the correct term for this??) moments its not to bad, I am able to recognize that I was in a depressive cycle but obviously when I am IN a depressive cycle I am not able to be rational or anything like that... the down's are becoming more frequent and lasting longer than they ever have.

I have been to my doc and he won't up the lithium as the lithium serum levels in my blood are to high so he has added another drug to take with the lithium and were gonna see how that is after 3 weeks (at the end of week one now)

To make matters worse I find out that my mother thinks that I am full of shit. I am not sure exactly how/what/who she thinks but she has been messaging my boyfriend and I was reading the conversation the other day (he knew... I wasn't snooping) and she was commenting on how my doc just gave me what I wanted and I am using it as an excuse or something, basically... the way I understand it she thinks I am over acting and making up bullshit. How am I meant to feel when my own mother is talking like that about me behind my back?? DON'T GET ME WRONG... If I am reading into it to much or if I misunderstood the conversation then I will happily eat my words BUT I do get the feeling that she does think that way.

I really do hate myself a lot at the moment. I should be over the moon... I mean I am able to do what I love at the moment, I am Musical Director for 4 musicals at the moment and LOVING it.... BUT at the same time I am constantly feeling that I am not good enough... then when I am "lucid" (Again... correct word??) I kick my self because I think that I am trying to hard to make everyone like me. It is a stupid constant battle!!!

I have some amazing friends but I always think that they don't really like me or that I am annoying them.

There ARE some people at the moment that I thought were my friends but they don't talk to me unless they want something from me (generally music or something along those lines) they have events and parties or go out and I don't hear anything about it.

I had a friend go out for a night on the town with a few of my other friends and she posted pic's on facebook of the fun night and messaged me the next day and asked me to email her the sheet music to a song she wants to use for an audition... You'll think of me when you want music BUT you wont think to sms and say "Hey, heading out with the gang.. you in??" REALLY!?!?

BAH!!!

Something that is REALLY upsetting me at the moment... I am REALLY wanting to write a musical, I have an idea and my sister is helping me write the book. I want to start on the score but I just can't compose anything that I am happy with. DRIVING ME BONKERS!!!!!! I am hoping once I actually get a written plot/character outline from my sister that will help me develop the ideas I have.

Watching an interview with Tim Minchin on "Matilda" and he was saying that the characters/story inspired the lyrics and the lyrics inspired the music so I am thinking I should try that process rather than trying to get the music first or music and lyrics at the same time.... I HOPE SO!!!!

Anyways... Not that I am going to go to sleep BUT I am going to stop ranting about nothing as I'm sure if you have gotten this far you are sick of it...

Anyways please feel free to email me if you would like to chat about anything or comment (If i have a comment box... NOT SURE)... Even though I'm fairly sure I only have a few people who read/follow this blog...

Keep it real peeps and until next time STAY SAFE!!!!

Xo


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