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I’M FREE!!

Well!...... Things have definitely taken an unexpected turn... but Absolutely for the better! So on Saturday just passed... I was working in the morning. I was sick with this bug that had been going around and I was not happy to have to face a HUGE day (4 hours of teaching, 2 hours of a band rehearsal with kids and then 6 hours preparing and performing a fundraising cabaret for the place I worked for) My boss who I spoke about in a previous post, had interrupted my singing lesson (an annoyingly common occurrence) to suggest I add other kids to my current students lesson... The girls she was referring to had already had their lesson, I do not like to combine lessons without good reason. And the kids singing the same song was not good enough reason for me as the student I was currently working with needed help and to learn the song he had to sing that night. With other students in the room he would not have gotten the help and attention needed from me. My boss argues as I said no
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Did you miss me??

Okay.... so my last post was over 4 years ago!!! I have ocassionaly gotten the odd email or Facebook post saying “you haven’t blogged”, or that “this many people have visited your page this month” and I always thing that I should blog again. The main reason I haven’t is because I think that no one really reads it OR that I am using this as a place to vent and I just assume people will read it and just think I’m being a drama queen. Well I obviously have decided to blog again! So here goes!!! This post is going to be very erratic and up/down in mood.... Firstly I started blogging when I was 23 years old, and I am turning 31 this year. Let me tell you, I don’t feel like I am an adult... I feel like I should be doing things differently or something. But anyways... In my first blog I mentioned that I was against gay marriage because it’s meant to be for televisual protection and such... but also that I was just telling myself that because I was perfecting myself because as a gay ma
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Reflection

So it has been over a year since I've blogged... Oops o_O! So life has been rather... Eventful? Right now I am sitting on the couch in my lounge. The lights are off and I have music pumping through the surround sound. Today I've been feeling rather low BUT over the last few weeks I've been seeing new doctors (psychiatrist and psychologist) and I'm really making progress with them.  Previous posts I've discussed the fact that I have Bipolar Disorder... After a bit of a breakdown earlier this year and seeing mental health specialists I've had that diagnosis questioned and they have diagnosed me with Personality Disorder.  This was not what I expected but after many chats and questions with the doctor I came to agree with them and set on the path to picking up the pieces of my life.  I am on medication (General anti-depressants at the moment) and I've also been started in CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) The therapy is interesting and it's still very earl
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Bitten off more than I can chew??

So... Suprise Suprise I am once again blogging at some ungodly hour! Can't sleep and not at all tired... Had rehearsals today for "Jesus Christ Superstar" now while I am normally a VERY easy production team member to work with. Today just had me at the end of my teather. It was just a flat rehearsal, people's heads were just not there tonight. I know I shouldn't be worried about it and I need to listen to my own advice that I have told others tonight... Which is that every show has a shit rehearsal where nothing seems to go right, which is very true. And tonight was it for this production. Tuesday just gone was very good and while it had its rough moments... On the whole was a very good rehearsal. Tonight fell over and I was getting very frustrated and begun to loose patience with my cast which I've not done before. I think it is because I'm feeling VERY inadequate with this show. It's not as simple as I thought. While I can teach it all and the compou
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Help??

So it's been forever since I posted on here. Apologies if I've got any friends or regular readers. I seem to only post here when I'm in the midst of an episode (be it manic or depressive) and today is no different. I am at the end of my tether. I am completely lost and have NO idea what to do. I'm not coping and haven't been for over a month now. I need help but I don't know who or where to go. I'm also petrified that going to "help" isn't going to actually going to help me. And I really can't cope with drawing this out longer than it needs to be... If I go to a doctor and they can't identify with my problem and give me a program or something that will actually help me I don't know what I'd do. I'm tired of this. I'm just over it. I am always having to put on a happy face and pretend everything is fine because if I don't then I just feel like everyone gets pissed off and angry at me and always make it seem like I am
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I'll be your gay friend

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Hey all!! How's life?? Mine? Yeah not to bad (Right not anyway) been absolutely flat out busy!! BUT it has been good. Firstly I gotta say how ashamed of myself I am!!! I have not once mentioned my obsession with "Robbie Williams" he is SEX WITH A MICROPHONE!! Love him (this blog title is a line from his song "Gay friend")... So yeah... ANYWAY Currently 3am and I am WIDE awake!! I don't know if it is because of the new meds I am taking for the bipolar or what BUT my sleeping pattern has been completely fucked up over the last few weeks. It is absolute ridiculousness. SO on the Bipolar front... I am continuing to spiral into places that I really would rather not be! In my lucid (Is that the correct term for this??) moments its not to bad, I am able to recognize that I was in a depressive cycle but obviously when I am IN a depressive cycle I am not able to be rational or anything like that... the down's are becoming more frequent and lasting longer
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Over It

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Bleh!!! Seriously not coping at all!! This week has started off great. I had my niece, nephew and sister over for three days, went to Lunar park, movies and wave pool. We all had a blast but even while they were here... Whilst I had a great time and loved having them down instill wasn't really all here mentally. Now they have gone back home and I am without distraction I am crashing and fast. Doesn't help that I have been receiving kick after kick in the nuts of late. Firstly one of the shows I'm involved in are really doing my head in. We are about to start rehearsals and I have not gotten my scores. I have no rehearsal pianist and I just really not feeling it for the show. The only reason I am sticking at it is that a previous "friend" did some major damage to my rep as a musical director (although not as extensive as I first thought) and I don't want to tarnish my name by quitting the show. AND I do NOT want to leave my fellow production team as I hav
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